listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize