She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
This is my gift to your gina
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
