I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
