Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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