I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
