i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i now understand why vodka
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
