She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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