The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
