I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
