Your tits are I can't wait for
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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