Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
