I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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