Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm getting married
To pizza
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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