I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
