The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just gargled with NyQuil
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
