Already got asked if we're dating
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
