if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
