so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
