No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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