Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
