just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
