I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
