i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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