My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it was like eating out sand paper
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
