My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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