You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
