Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
