i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
