hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
