Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
