i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
