I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I will pee on everything he values.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
