he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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