Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
