I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
