I puked a lego.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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