I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
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You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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