I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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