My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
