You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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