my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
