I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
