To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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