Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
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He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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