i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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