I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
