u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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