I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
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Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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