I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
