is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
