You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
