Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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