I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
