I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
