Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
