I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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