i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
