I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
