2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
